I know that we never had the chance to get to know each other well enough over the course of your relationship with her, but I know that she would be delighted knowing that you get to be a part of this. I've never seen her insanely in love as ever been before. She would always brag about how happy she was when she met you, how her perspective in life had changed, like for the first time in her life she had thought about wanting her own family. I remember when she told me how she was looking forward to ever being with you for the rest of her life, and I backed up my thoughts a little, realizing that what you
guys had, was truly absolute. I was like "this is big!" and she joked about how she wanted me to wear something just out in the realm for me and be by her side for the matter. If you know me well enough you'd realize why I never for once in my life would ever think about wearing something like that, but I could see how excited she was about it, so she talked me into it. I was willing to make an exception wearing one on that day to come. And she went on and on about how crazy she has been over you. The girl wouldn't just shut up. she told me how you loved her the way she ever wanted to be loved as a partner. Though I know she was a person filled with boundless ambitions, I've never seen her that contented for something or someone for over the years I've ever known her. There were times that she would just reach out to everyone just to let us know how happy her life is going at the moment, she talked like there's not gonna be any complications in this world that would ruin her entire day especially when she started it strikingly great with you. "Sarap mabuhay yeah!" and "Pinabilib nanaman ako ni Lord!" she would always say those lines in a way as if she's been high over something like some kind of a crackhead. That's how you affected her. You were like a drug to her. She admired how responsible you are. Knowing her, a pretty girl like you lines up on her list of weaknesses, She adored your beauty. and most of it all, she revered the gracious gentle heart that beats the life out of your wonderful being.
It takes all of me to do this, but I feel like I have to. I want to do this for you, it's killing me to even get a single portion of my brain to work and set aside the pain and just focus on what's best that there ever was about you. Honestly, it would take forever to say it all in here. because you have the biggest heart and it's unimaginable to even begin to piece out how you managed to ever provide such enormous kindness and love for each and everyone you ever cared about. You always see greatness in
people. You've helped us pick ourselves up and made us do the right thing by anyone including ourselves. You believed that there's always good in people and that should always has to come out in the surface in any way it possibly could. You have always been the ray of light in everyone else's darkness. Your heart is so powerful that you could influence people to become progressive from a scratch. You had an extraordinary insights filled with both ignorance and wits appropriately designed which made your whole personality a remarkable one. I know I've said this much to you before already but there's still more about you that everyone else has to know. You have touched so many hearts, you've healed so many wounds in your sweet little ways. Your sense of humor is undeniably brilliant, You bring joy to everyone around you. I know I can't speak for everybody, but I myself had seen how much of a spectacular human being you have been.
You practically raised me. You have molded my sloppy little life into this one existential being. You have always been my angel, my hero and my mentor. With you I'm already somebody even when I was nobody. You never failed to make me feel that I'm worthy of everything good that this world could ever offer. I am loved because of you. I was loved even when I was hated. I looked at you and when you looked right back, you have this bizarre ability to let the people see the world right through your eyes and everything was just beautifully crafted to be at it's best. You were heaven yourself. You were paradise. Your amazing disposition in life is contagious as if you portray the qualities of a noble leader that the humanity in this world really needs.
I remember those days when I was intrigued by you. Even before I met you, I've always thought that there's something really peculiar about you. That's why I felt like I really had to get to know you. And that explains how you always brag about how much I used to be a "fan" of you famous freaks from school. You were right about that. I was and still am. I was never a happy person, my life was never stable. But you've changed that. I've watched you tried and changed that cloudy chunks of my mundane miserable life and turned it into something whole lot different, different from what I've even expected. That's when you got into my skin, and the next thing I knew is that no matter what I do, I just couldn't seem to shake you. That's when I recognized that you weren't just a stranger, You weren't just a friend. And I told myself that I'm gonna be with you for the rest of your life, like you'll be stuck with me and we'll be like stickies for keeps. Like I'm always gonna be there whenever you'll ever need me. But I failed to do that, I swore that I will always be there whenever you'll need help, and I wasn't. The fact that kills me every time is that I play the most part of the reason why you're not here with us anymore, I keep thinking maybe if you hadn't met me, none of these will ever happen to you. None of us is hurting right now. You'd probably still be here, doing what you do best in life which is inspire and be a blessing to the people who surrounds you.
What do we fear? Our life just took a huge turn and everything seems trapped from how it's gonna be now. I fear that another day goes by, we'd get one less grieving people, I fear that they would forget about her, how she used to be and what kind of an amazing person she ever was, I feel that I'm never gonna get over this and as reality sets in, I fear that one day I'm finally gonna be able to. I don't want to! how egotistical I could be when I get insanely frustrated when I see people getting by and going on with their lives while some of us are crying out for a life who can never be with us anymore. It's easier to put the blame on anybody just so you could sugarcoat the bitterness inside you, destroying all the exceptional intentions you've put out for the good of others. To be honest, I even came to the point where I questioned the Man above for letting something like this to happen, I could think of a thousand ways how this shouldn't have taken effect, my desperation comes in when I couldn't think of even one acceptable reason why it did. You see, people always tell what's inevitable. It's easy for them to say that this right here has a reason. Yeah maybe there is, maybe. but it doesn't change how we feel about it, it doesn't even gives us some sort of relief from being torn apart because there's always gonna be the question "why?". Why does it have to be this way? why does one innocent life who fear God in all the ways have to suffer in a horrific way for a downfall? What could possibly the good that will come out of this for everybody when we are all crippled by the abominable thought of what happened, how could we even begin to try to move on from here when we all feel perished day after day.
At first we contradict what's right in front of us, we limit our awareness about the reality of what has happened until the pain can be let in more slowly. The feeling of everything from within shouts "NO!" and our mind forcefully struggles to escape. It disables us to tolerate the pain that would explode if reality were faced. We'd feel numb and confused, I don't even know where do I go from here. I feel fastened, disorganized, I just want to curl up in a ball and cry out all the pain in the most reassuring way until I dried out of tears left to give, I lost touch of what's normal to life. I see nothing in life which is as important anymore than having that one precious person's life back. it hurts like dying slowly in the most painful manner just to realize that you aren't dying at all.
Animosity and outburst that's rushing through our veins hunger for justice is the only thing that keeps us moving, but even that would feel like we're walking on to bladed pavements which draw blood and life from us each time we take a step forward, and I wonder, what do we get from all of these? I keep asking myself, even if we catch them, make them pay, I always get the picture that it will never going to be enough, hell it feels like it wouldn't even change a thing. we'll still feel the pain and the sorrow and fear, it's a never-ending grief for us all because nothing in this world will ever bring her back to life and that fact spontaneously shatters us in to tiniest bits of pieces.
"This shouldn't have happened, You weren't suppose to die like this, You shouldn't have died at all!"
The pain and anguish we feel buried deep in our hearts, the torment that will last for a lifetime. I couldn't even begin to depict how lost and lifeless I feel at the moment, as unnerving as it is, I wouldn't know for sure if it will ever go away. We didn't just lose someone, her life was ruthlessly taken away. There's never enough exposition in this world that would ever make me understand why something as horrible as this has to happen. They say everything happens for a reason, reason that we may never going to be able to understand now but only to hope that someday it will all make sense somehow. The truth is, nothing in this world makes sense anymore. For most of us, Faith is the only reason why we're still holding on, and not completely letting go. If we could just speak the truth from within, the exasperation of which is begging to burst out in the open, questions left unanswered, the frustration of having even just a hint on why on Earth did someone with the greater power to turn all of these around yet let this come to pass. I could sit and think for entire day and try to fool myself, coming up with answers but none of those would really matter wouldn't it? even someone with a genius freaking mind could not ever satisfy the misery that is plaguing our hurt and broken HEART.
READER
EVERYTHING YOU'RE ABOUT TO READ IN THIS BLOG IS ENTIRELY OUT OF THE WRITER'S BEING AND STATE OF MIND. IT MEANS NO OFFENSE OR HARM TO ANYONE'S FEELINGS, OPINION, CULTURE, RELIGION, GENDER AND EVERYTHING ELSE THAT MAY APPLY. IT IS PURELY OUT OF THE CONTEXT AND BROUGHT UP FOR THE PURPOSE OF SHARING. POSTING THESE WORDS OUT IN THE WORLD IS JUST SOMETHING THAT THE WRITER IS PASSIONATE ABOUT. SOME OF THE DETAILS COULD BE FICTIONAL OR FACTUAL.
-DYLAN
